What your name does to me.

Being in love with someone who’s not in love with you is punishment. My Ammi said this to me years ago and I instantly knew she was talking about herself and Abbu, but I just didn’t know who was the person who was in love until one day Abbu packed his bags and left. That day Ammi started packing a bag underneath her eyes and she had those with her until the day she died. After seeing what love can do to people I swore to God that I’ll never fall in love and that was broken the day I met you.

I remember that someone once told me, you transform in love. When in love you are the whole world and the world is you and sometimes it only takes a name, your lovers name to change your body into oceans, riverbeds and landslides and now I know that true because….

Every time I hear your name being called out it’s like the tectonic plates inside my body just shifted whilst there’s a tsunami forming above my navel and it’s snowing down the artic of my belly button while a gasping tornado just struck the Mexican walls of my rib cages as the African caves inside my throat is gasping for breath. And even though this is punishment I don’t mind being the world because love makes me universal and I’m so in love with you, I’m so in love that I now know how Ammi might have felt when she packed all those bags underneath her eyes just to be in love.


© The Rendezvous Club 2020
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Reason to live

it’s not everyday that
your mother tells you that
she is alive just for you
just for you
not even for your sister
just for you
so in a way
that also means that
you saved a life didn’t you?
and it also means that
you’re the reason someone
didn’t take their life.
now you’re listening to her
you have a cup of coffee in your hand
it’s black, it’s hot
it’s burning the edges of your cuticle
you’re staring right into it
and all that’s running through your mind is that
weather you should dip your finger
inside the coffee or not
you know it’s hot
i know it’s hot.
it definitely is hot
but that compulsion is there
to dip your finger in the coffee
and burn it
because why not, right?
i’ve done this before
i’ve purposely hurted me
just so that I feel okay
it’s raining outside
and your mother is crying
but you’re ignoring it
because if she has depression
you have it too.
you know that very well
you share everything
and the last time she banged her head
in the wall
You did it too
and the last time she held a knife to her wrist
and suddenly tried to hide it in front of you
two days before this
you held a knife to your chest too
but you didn’t break in it
just because you thought about her
just the way she thought about you
that you are just living for her
and she is the reason why you’re alive
just like how you’re the reason for her.



© The Rendezvous Club 2019

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Endings don’t matter

I know the ending
I clearly knows how the leaves rustles
I know the wind
It comes and it goes
But it stays too
And I’ve feel it
And all I think about the wind is
Not where it came
Nor where it went
But rather that it felt good.

You came
I know you will go
I know how it will end
I know you won’t be my side
To count the lanes of wrinkles down my eyes
To press my hands against the pillow
When it shakes
To count the leftover teeth by time
In my mouth,
You won’t be there.

But in this moment
I love you
And I know where this is going.
But you are here now,
You are here
And I see you
Smiling pretty
Looking at me like all the world
Cease to exist from now on
And only us matters.
So why should an ending matter
Because everything else is perfect now.



©The Rendezvous Club 2019

All Rights Reserved!

Life, death and landslides

My left arm is a nuclear holocaust
My right arm heals everything.
These pills underneath my tongue like bombs
Will explode in your mouth, while the
Only thing in your mind will be my words
Only my words, nothing else.
Love is a religion which I chose
Not to believe in, but
I know Amma won’t call me an atheist
Because religion isn’t God and also
Deep down I know she doesn’t believe in love either.

Mornings are brief love letters
Written to a flower by death.
How is it that you walk into a funeral
Numb as a daisy and
When you leave you bloom
Into an orchard of sunsets.
And with every one of your smile
You kill a man or two
But still you are relieved
At least you didn’t torture them
With love before they died.

And in the evening while in your bath
Sinking into your own body
You’ll realize that you’re a cadaver who smells like vinegar
And you’ll start living the moment
You realises that you are in a morgue
And that’s why there are cuts all over
Your body and yet you hardly ache.
You carry death on your shoulder
In tiny glittered jewelery boxes of green hope
Tied up to the back of your ears with hair
And yet you don’t call your life a
Mobile mortuary, instead you call it beautiful.
You call it a landslide
Trying to find it’s way back in a rain.



© The Rendezvous Club 2019All Rights Reserved!

The betrayal poem

I know I’m betraying myself,

When I’m waiting for you

I am never the Sandy beaches

And you never the sea

You will never come,

You can’t come

It’s just that you won’t come

You’re through with me

I know that for sure

It’s like this tree which died but it

Still is sticking to it’s last leaf

Hoping that the leaf stays green for a little more while

Betraying itself with hope,

Clinging on to miracles

Like children with glossy eyes

Who prays for candies to fall from the sky.

I say to others that I don’t wait anymore

Sometimes I say it to myself in the mirror

I don’t love you,

I don’t hope for you to come back to me anymore,

And I don’t wait for you anymore,

I’m moving on.

I am a child and

I’m growing, I’m evolving, I’m changing

I am a tree and

I’m growing, I’m evolving, I’m changing

But the truth is

I’m just lying to myself,

All lies,

Lie! Lie! Lie!

I’m still loving, I’m still hoping, I’m still waiting.

I’m betraying, Myself!


©The Rendezvous Club 2019
All Rights Reserved!

Warmth between two hearts

In that rain where coldness was just a medium of our words which forgot to form each time we had met before, where your shoes weren’t enough to keep your feet dry, where we were coiled inside a time where no time existed, neither did warmth. And the only warmth that was left in the whole wide world was placed in between the place where both our hearts met. I gave myself to you, the secrets of my darkness, the voids of my pain, the breathless of my sins, the enamoures self loathing I possess, about how I found God and I couldn’t put up with him because he forgave me while I couldn’t, about how I went back to him when he had turned his head away from me, how ashamed I was of my shadows, my life, my wishes and my tears which always mocked me every time it rolled down my cheeks. I knew that you wouldn’t be able to hear me amidst the clater of the rain drops hitting the cement pavement. But I just had to do it all once before, you also realize that the warmth between hearts fade in seconds and in the rain every hands turn cold and hence we can’t warm each other, no matter how close we hold it, no matter how much we try to make it look like it’s enough, never can a cold hand warm another cold hand.


©The Rendezvous Club 2019
All Rights Reserved!