Can you love someone deeply yet not enough?

I got a text from him last Friday saying that he’s going out for a while. He does this a lot and I’m fine with it. People do need their space but I just can’t believe that I accept it now. That people need space. I never thought that you needed breaks from people you love. Maybe I still don’t believe that.

When we met yesterday after his break, he looked the same, he loved the same and he smiled at me while he took his first sip of coffee and said it needed more sugar just like always. But. . . .

Can you love someone and not love them just enough? Unfortunately I think it’s possible. That’s what we were. He loved me but just not enough to hold me close. We just had a brief conversation and I was silent mostly. And when he thought something might be off he asked me what is going on with me? I chose not to reply and I just asked him something

Did you miss me while you were away? Did you miss me at all? He didn’t say anything for a while and just continued to stare into my face, motionless. He loves his space, his solitude, he loves him more. And I can’t do that, I can’t be the person who loves someone more than myself and be with a person who loves themselves more than me. Because it just feels so unfair.

Can someone love you but not love you enough?
Yes. . . . .! And yes . . . . . . It’s painful!



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You’ll never know

Sometimes you love someone and they don’t love you back. But you continue to love them. In no hope and you never stop loving them and in the end you betray yourself, you take away the chance of loving someone else, who just might love you back.

He called me yesterday and said that we should meet.

We have been friends for a long time. Things were always nice when he was there. But we did had our share of fights, arguments and misunderstandings. We weren’t perfect.

He came over to my house to declare the news. He said he’s going away for a while and I felt as if someone just dropped a missile on my chest.

He was just so excited. So I pretended to be happy and made him feel more happy.

After he left is when things started to get darker inside me. What if he never comes back? What if he don’t call? How long will he stay away ? Will it be like last time? Will he slowly get busy and wander off?

I guess I’ll never know. When you love a person who doesn’t love you back then the thing is you are never sure about the future. You’ll never know.



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We broke it/us

What would you do if something is so right? I once asked him. He replied; we make it wrong.

That’s exactly what happened with us. We were so textbook right that, we made us wrong.

1) Keeping count of time.

We used to talk always, we used to talk a lot and when we started talking less, that time difference played an important role in keeping us apart. We were so scared that we were drifting away just because we talked less. We were actually more scared that we sort of started thinking it as a timetable that we forgot to follow. Our first mistake was that we convinced ourselves that time was ripping us off but it was our thoughts that was doing so. We gave importance to something which didn’t matter. Time never mattered feelings did .Don’t mess that up.

2) We shared ourselves too much.

We were so open with each other that we always felt like we were always with each other. But then we shared everything that things slowly started to be a ritual. More like calendar work. And finally like a recluse we forgot which day it was and what week. Stay together but not within each other, just together. I know that now.

3) I take you back, every time you come back.

You leave for your own good, I make peace with it, I sob, I lament, I cry, I break myself into pieces and I lay there on the floor trying to pick myself up. Convincing myself this is life and no fairytale, then you come back and I take you in because my heart still is convinced it’s a fairy tale.

4) You collect my broken pieces.

You leave, you come back, you leave, you come back and when I let you in, I never notices that you came back to get a part from my broken pieces and then walk away again. Then come back again when you miss me collect another part and leave. But what I should have known was, if I let you continue this, I wouldn’t be able to stand up on myself with all those missing pieces of myself.

5) We broke each other.

We were so right for each other that we couldn’t stand it and ended up ruining ourselves and our mind. Are you over me yet?



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Distant Talks

Her:- Do you know how I feels like, when you’re sad?

Him :- How?

Her:- I feels like crying. . .

Him:- . . . .

Her:- Do you know why?

Him:- Hmm. Why?

Her:- Because I can’t be there with you. Because I can’t hug you tight and I can’t tell you it’s alright, that everything will be fine and not let you do anything stupid. Like the things you are doing now. . . .



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The cold side of the bed is for you to take
I whispered in the ears of light.
I had made my home
Inside a pool of filth
Light couldn’t seep in that far
Hence he failed to warm up my brain
And I couldn’t let the cold depression evaporate.
According to society my life is right
It was ‘I’ who wasn’t great.People tell me, cry day and night
Let your heart melt and flow,
Like liquid rocks through your eyes
Causing scars that’s rooted deep inside
Never ending, never healing,
They say it will make you strong
But I’ve just melted and
I float now among the pool of filth
Amidst the stench in my brain.I wish mamma had eaten cement
While she was pregnant with me
And not iron tablets or tears,
Which the doctor and Pappa had fed her with.
Then I could’ve had cinder blocks
For a heart and cement pillars to support
My emotional out breaks.Green vegetables tastes like blood in my throat
I choked on some last night
Nothing a small surgery couldn’t cure,
But when it came out it was bathed in blood.
They say I have mild allergies to everything healthy
That’s how I came to know why I always choked on love,
And it explained to me,
why I needed surgeries to my heart every time I swallowed love.


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Eternal sleep

My sister tells me
She doesn’t wants to be a poet
She says that poets are sad, look at you, she said.
Then she taught me how to breathe
Like normal people do
Start with deep breaths, she said.My doctor raised her stethescope
To my heart and felt it pumb blood
She said my rhythm is a bit off.
I wanted to tell her
It lost it’s rhythm some four years back
But Mamma was sitting next to me
So I kept mum.There’s a butterfly shaped scar
On my right hand
Gifted to me by me,
Those aren’t battle scars.
But only my best friend knows
They’re my bite marks.I sleep well everyday nowadays
Both days and nights
People have started to call me lazy
But I’m just practicing
Just like how my therapist asked
Practice daily what you want from life
I’m practicing eternal sleep
Hoping to sleep and not wake.


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