Letting go


Today will be my first day
of unloving you
Even though it has been
24 days 12 hours and 6 minutes
since you left
I tried to hold on to you
for this long
And today in my dreams
I saw you leaving for one last time
And when I woke up
I decided to let you go
But letting go isn’t easy.
Letting go is like taking off
the bandage and realizing
how bad it was to not get that tetanus shot
Because now the wound is festering.
Letting go is like holding onto
to that plastic wire
Slipping off your hand
with a weight in the other end
and feel it cutting through your skin
and muscles
Letting go is like holding on
but it hurts much more.
Letting go is like that bad habbit
that you keep defending but
Even though you keep defending it
Even though you keep on trying
to hold onto to it
You’ll have to let go someday
Maybe today.


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©The Rendezvous Club 2020

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Letting Go


Sometimes I wonder was i wrong to let you go? Should I have hold on to you longer? Did I make a mistake in love? To be frank, i don’t know the answer to that. No matter how hard I try I can’t come to an actual conclusion. Questions on love will always be without an actual answer to it, Mom always used to say that. We don’t love people for a reason but on the contrary we love people because we think they will love us more, more than we love ourselves. I guess in that way we’re all selfish.

Whenever I think about love, I think of you and I always end up blaming myself for letting you go. Maybe I was wrong to do so. Because whenever I ask my heart was I right in letting you go my heart always replies holding on you to hurted much less than this heartbreak that I am suffering from now. Maybe my heart is right. Maybe holding on to you hurted much less but the thing is the more I held on to you the less I loved you. Because I had only you to blame for all the ache that I was enduring. And now that I’ve let you go, I blame myself for everything, I blame myself for giving up on us, I blame myself for letting you go. But I still love you the same and that kind of makes all this pain seem less. Because now you’ll stay the same, and you will always be the one I loved. And even though this heartbreak hurts so much now I know with time my heart will be whole again and this scar will heal but if I had hold on to you still I would have ended up hurting us both and we would have ended up loving each other less. And I guess in that way it was better, to let go.


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©The Rendezvous Club 2020

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Memory Bubble


As I close my eyes today under the ceiling fan working it’s way through the hot of January Kerala heat. I am preparing to dissolve myself into you. My body is a sweater that you have knitted around your heart and I fits you perfectly, even our hands fits perfectly like the dark and the moon. But there is a thread that’s sticking out, like a broken bone it’s so visible around the pale blue bruise and the blackish dried blood, I hope nobody pulls on that tread. I don’t want to be without you. I can’t stop feeling the warmth of your embrace leaving my heart for too long and the very thought of it is like the melancholy rain falling on my yellow umbrella with a hole in it. But I know you’ll leave. You have to leave. We knew this the day that we met that we’ll both leave and this sweater that we’ve knitted around each other will not be needed when summer arrives. But still I think I love you too much not to leave you now. And that’s why I’ve decided not to let this broken bone melt into it’s former shape or to let this bruised skin heal into what it was before. And that’s why I am letting this hurt that I am in right now to be the pain that reminds me of every memory that we had. Because in this way I’ll always be running into you every time a memory pops up.


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©The Rendezvous Club 2020

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Fools in love


Madhav, I’m so sorry that I fell in love with you, despite all your warnings. But I gotta say we both knew this was inevitable. I always knew that this was gonna happen and I let it happen because when something as rare as love comes knocking on the door of your heart one day, who will say no? Therefore even I couldn’t say no and I let it come in knowing that it will be the end of a friendship I long cherished.

You were so different than anyone I had ever met. I don’t think I know any other writer who hates rain. I don’t know no other person who loves sun more than the moon and I know no other person who when holding my hands makes my breath stop…. Maybe that’s why I loved you because you were different than any other person I knew and I wanted you all to myself.

Some people say that when in love it’s only the little things that matter and I was so in love that I only looked at the little things and I forgot to see the big picture. I was stuck at the little things, the little moments, the countless minutes of cute romantic gestures. . . . . I loved how you always sipped the last of my chai every time we were together. I have no idea why you used to do that because you said hated chai more than how I hated paneer. And I loved it that you bought me Gems every time you came to meet me and how you gathered all the purple gems to make a small heart out of them and how each time you asked me to put an arrow through that heart. It made me think that maybe you also felt the same for me in indefinite moments.

Maybe you did love me in our little things. But the big picture had something else to say. But I, I loved you infinitely. I loved you knowing that you will never be mine and that you can’t be mine. That makes me a little foolish, doesn’t it? But I can’t really blame myself for this, because aren’t we all fools in love?


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PS:- The story is fictional

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© The Rendezvous Club 2020

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What your name does to me.


Being in love with someone who’s not in love with you is punishment. My Ammi said this to me years ago and I instantly knew she was talking about herself and Abbu, but I just didn’t know who was the person who was in love until one day Abbu packed his bags and left. That day Ammi started packing a bag underneath her eyes and she had those with her until the day she died. After seeing what love can do to people I swore to God that I’ll never fall in love and that was broken the day I met you.

I remember that someone once told me, you transform in love. When in love you are the whole world and the world is you and sometimes it only takes a name, your lovers name to change your body into oceans, riverbeds and landslides and now I know that true because….

Every time I hear your name being called out it’s like the tectonic plates inside my body just shifted whilst there’s a tsunami forming above my navel and it’s snowing down the artic of my belly button while a gasping tornado just struck the Mexican walls of my rib cages as the African caves inside my throat is gasping for breath. And even though this is punishment I don’t mind being the world because love makes me universal and I’m so in love with you, I’m so in love that I now know how Ammi might have felt when she packed all those bags underneath her eyes just to be in love.


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© The Rendezvous Club 2020
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Reason to live

it’s not everyday that
your mother tells you that
she is alive just for you
just for you
not even for your sister
just for you
so in a way
that also means that
you saved a life didn’t you?
and it also means that
you’re the reason someone
didn’t take their life.
now you’re listening to her
you have a cup of coffee in your hand
it’s black, it’s hot
it’s burning the edges of your cuticle
you’re staring right into it
and all that’s running through your mind is that
weather you should dip your finger
inside the coffee or not
you know it’s hot
i know it’s hot.
it definitely is hot
but that compulsion is there
to dip your finger in the coffee
and burn it
because why not, right?
i’ve done this before
i’ve purposely hurted me
just so that I feel okay
Okay!
it’s raining outside
and your mother is crying
but you’re ignoring it
because if she has depression
you have it too.
you know that very well
you share everything
and the last time she banged her head
in the wall
You did it too
and the last time she held a knife to her wrist
and suddenly tried to hide it in front of you
two days before this
you held a knife to your chest too
but you didn’t break in it
just because you thought about her
just the way she thought about you
that you are just living for her
and she is the reason why you’re alive
just like how you’re the reason for her.


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© The Rendezvous Club 2019

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Endings don’t matter


I know the ending
I clearly knows how the leaves rustles
I know the wind
It comes and it goes
But it stays too
And I’ve feel it
And all I think about the wind is
Not where it came
Nor where it went
But rather that it felt good.

You came
I know you will go
I know how it will end
I know you won’t be my side
To count the lanes of wrinkles down my eyes
To press my hands against the pillow
When it shakes
To count the leftover teeth by time
In my mouth,
You won’t be there.

But in this moment
I love you
And I know where this is going.
But you are here now,
You are here
And I see you
Smiling pretty
Looking at me like all the world
Cease to exist from now on
And only us matters.
So why should an ending matter
Because everything else is perfect now.


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©The Rendezvous Club 2019

All Rights Reserved!