Reason to live

it’s not everyday that
your mother tells you that
she is alive just for you
just for you
not even for your sister
just for you
so in a way
that also means that
you saved a life didn’t you?
and it also means that
you’re the reason someone
didn’t take their life.
now you’re listening to her
you have a cup of coffee in your hand
it’s black, it’s hot
it’s burning the edges of your cuticle
you’re staring right into it
and all that’s running through your mind is that
weather you should dip your finger
inside the coffee or not
you know it’s hot
i know it’s hot.
it definitely is hot
but that compulsion is there
to dip your finger in the coffee
and burn it
because why not, right?
i’ve done this before
i’ve purposely hurted me
just so that I feel okay
Okay!
it’s raining outside
and your mother is crying
but you’re ignoring it
because if she has depression
you have it too.
you know that very well
you share everything
and the last time she banged her head
in the wall
You did it too
and the last time she held a knife to her wrist
and suddenly tried to hide it in front of you
two days before this
you held a knife to your chest too
but you didn’t break in it
just because you thought about her
just the way she thought about you
that you are just living for her
and she is the reason why you’re alive
just like how you’re the reason for her.


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© The Rendezvous Club 2019

All Rights Reserved!

Drunk and dial


My best friend called me yesterday
to tell me he is happy now
and he also added that he’s drunk
he then told me about his new magical power
to fold bottles into memories of his past life
and how when he drinks from them
he can see the sky falling
and he then told me how much he danced
because of this
and he said now when he looks up
he can see stars again
and they looked like me
and that’s why he is calling me.
He then told me how much he loved me,
he never said this to me before and
he said he loved me like his mother,
very innocent but that
he will not be his father,
broken and bruised and tired of living
and he will never behave to me like
how his father did with him
he would never crumble me
inside his origami palms
like petals of a fragile flower
and use it’s color to paint rage.
He then said that he misses me
and now when he look down
he can see the earth move under his feet
and how he see the dirt forming
a mountain in front of him
but he feels like he can conquer this mountain
because it’s all his
and because he have this love inside him
which keeps on whispering in his ears
that he can do it.
And then he broke down into a stream of sobs
until I whispered I love you back to him


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©The Rendezvous Club 2019

All Rights Reserved!

Walking away


It all starts with you
You switching on and off the lights
And I am sitting in front of my soup bowl
Wanting, thinking to bite off my nails
Wishing, aching to scratch off my skin.
I want to walk backwards now,
Walk off of this room and never let
You turn these lights on.
I want to walk off the kitchen and not cook today.
I want to walk into a bar rather
Or a karaoke, then listen to some stranger sing one of my favorite song terribly,
Choke on some peanuts and fall
Asleep on the counter, like I’m dead
But sober. I want to walk into a zoo
And pet the Lions there, maybe watch
Them as they bite off my hands
Like they were more passionate
About my hands than I am of them.
I want to walk off this room and forget everything
About this night
I want to learn the art of disappearing
Then perfect the art of forgetting,
I want to walk out of this room now and
Forget you because
It all starts with you walking into me. .


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© The Rendezvous Club 2019

All Rights Reserved !

Eulogy


As I lay in a war bed
With my legs apart
Wearing nothing but magic
They pull a baby out of me
Like a flower
Purple they are and my mouth red
Thinking about you is a kind of torture
Which always resides in my head
And I allow them to be there
Like sunrises they are needed.
I let the wolves howl your name
Until there is no more of you
Left in my mouth
I wear white to your wedding
But inside me I’m blue.
You’re a kind of wonder
A wonder that causes destructions
In parts unknown
I move my lips
And you causes earthquakes on my wrist.
The lilac sky is singing homage to my heart
Are you dead
Or is it me
Who’s waking up in the arms of another man.
What would you write as a eulogy for me
If I write one for you
It would just say
You were mine.
Your skin sparkles like the dust of a mirror
I love you and your shards
Imprint my blood
You are all over my veins that
My blood is causing waves to crash my heart.


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©The Rendezvous Club 2019

All Rights Reserved!

Dear sixteen

I could say a thousand things to my sixteen year old self
And they’ll never be enough
But these are the most important of them all
The most important seven things
Which would have changed it all like weather
I could have rained or I could have been a perfectly sunny day
But I became a tornado, no a tsunami and washed all the islands of my life away.
Dear sixteen read this now even though you’re 22
You survived it all even though it was worse.

1. Don’t give him your number when he asks you. And don’t let him come near you, his intentions aren’t right. Don’t let him fool you with the word love, to him you’re just a flower for him to crush inside the lines of his palms.

2. Your father maybe away, your father may not love you, your father may love you in excess, your father may be away but you still are whole and you don’t need no other boy to complete you. You’re a hero, a heroine, a wonder and you’re perfect just the way you are.

3. You don’t have to kiss him if you don’t want to. Just shake him off of you and scream into his ears until they bleed.

4. You are allowed to say no, and dear the world maynot be a good place but you’ll eventually get into a better place than you’re in right now.

5. Your first love will not love you back, so love him truly like you mean it and like you don’t care if you get it back or not. Your love is yours, it comes from within you and you shouldn’t care about nothing else.

6. Birthdays will get boring soon and you’ll end up loving coffee more than dancing. Love the things you love while it last because soon things will change.

7. What defines you is you. You don’t need nobody, anybody or anything else to do it for you. You are you, you are the perfect you, you are the only you. So be you and make yourself proud.

You’re 16, you’re 22, all that you should care about in this world is you.


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©The Rendezvous Club 2019

All Rights Reserved!

Humans don’t have wings


Mamma told me to sink down the sea
Mamma told me to lie on my back
And let the sun shine on my skin.
Tear off both the wings on my back
Tear off all the feathers that’s been
Weighing me down from being a human
All of this while.
Mamma said let no one walk on your back by
Calling you an angel.
Mamma told me, be a girl darling
Don’t pretend you have wings
You have two hands and that’s always enough.
Wear that striped shirt, that full sleeve one.
Ride a ship into the mouth of the sun
Burn, burn yourself up.
Then come back the next day to tell
All the tale, wear your darkness
All on your eyes, wear your burn marks
All over your tongue, spit words of fire
And let them know how
Flawed of a human you are and
Let no one walk on above you
Calling you an angel, you’re human
As flawed as everyone,
Remember that and walk up,
Work up, to your dreams.


© The Rendezvous Club 2019

All Rights Reserved!