Homophilia


There are two kinds of sins in this world
The first one is to love a man
And the second one is slightly dangerous
The second one lights a torch in the mouth of those who ever says it out loud
The second one binds you in a closet because you’re afraid of homophobia being shoved down your throat
Asking you to eat it up or die of asphyxiation from all hate clawing back to you from the churning sensation in that church going lady’s stomach.
But if you ask me the second one is like a flower
That grows in the feilds with weeds
Without frowning at the weeds
Because they follows acceptance
They see through the sparkle in their eyes that told them just how phobia ruins lives of people who had never even started to live.
The second one counts the ribs to tell God
He forgot to place those bones inside a woman
Hoping that God will reply, I never made a mistake when I made you
Your bones are right where they should be.
You see,
There are two kinds of sins in this world.
The first one is to love a man
And the second one is to be a man who loves a man.


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©The Rendezvous Club 2020
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Letting go


Today will be my first day
of unloving you
Even though it has been
24 days 12 hours and 6 minutes
since you left
I tried to hold on to you
for this long
And today in my dreams
I saw you leaving for one last time
And when I woke up
I decided to let you go
But letting go isn’t easy.
Letting go is like taking off
the bandage and realizing
how bad it was to not get that tetanus shot
Because now the wound is festering.
Letting go is like holding onto
to that plastic wire
Slipping off your hand
with a weight in the other end
and feel it cutting through your skin
and muscles
Letting go is like holding on
but it hurts much more.
Letting go is like that bad habbit
that you keep defending but
Even though you keep defending it
Even though you keep on trying
to hold onto to it
You’ll have to let go someday
Maybe today.


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©The Rendezvous Club 2020

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Love Is crazy


You always tell me not to fall in love with you and then you places your finger on my lips as if you know that I’m going to confess to you then and there that I’ve been in love with you ever since we met and now there is no point in you advising me not to fall in love with you as I am already in love with you, I always was in love with you and there is no need to ask me not to fall now as I’ve already reached the bottom of the pit called love.

Love is what the eyes can’t see yet the heart can feel. I can feel you in every one of my breath as if my love for you is an organ inside my body trying to keep me alive, trying to salvage what’s left of my sanity, keeping me upright and from tripping over.

I often wonder how is it that love acts both as the disease and the panacea for the affected. How it makes people crazy and how it brings back people to their senses all at once. How can something have two opposite effects on someone’s heart at the same time. I guess I’ll never know.

I know it is your right to ask me not to fall in love just as much as it is my right to fall in love with you without your permission. And I does what my heart says without listening to my head saying that this is the road towards pain and you may not be rewarded with love in the end. And I still walk down that lane hoping that something might change and I’ll be loved the same way as I am loving you. I guess that’s what love makes of you. It stretches you apart as much as you can stretch to know how durable you are then it lets you go so that you come bangging back to your own pieces and hurt everywhere just to know how much you can endure pain. Love is the craziest thing in the world. It makes you do stuff which you’ve never even imagined you’d do and it is also the most perfect thing in the world. It perfects your soul.


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© The Rendezvous Club 2020

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Letting Go


Sometimes I wonder was i wrong to let you go? Should I have hold on to you longer? Did I make a mistake in love? To be frank, i don’t know the answer to that. No matter how hard I try I can’t come to an actual conclusion. Questions on love will always be without an actual answer to it, Mom always used to say that. We don’t love people for a reason but on the contrary we love people because we think they will love us more, more than we love ourselves. I guess in that way we’re all selfish.

Whenever I think about love, I think of you and I always end up blaming myself for letting you go. Maybe I was wrong to do so. Because whenever I ask my heart was I right in letting you go my heart always replies holding on you to hurted much less than this heartbreak that I am suffering from now. Maybe my heart is right. Maybe holding on to you hurted much less but the thing is the more I held on to you the less I loved you. Because I had only you to blame for all the ache that I was enduring. And now that I’ve let you go, I blame myself for everything, I blame myself for giving up on us, I blame myself for letting you go. But I still love you the same and that kind of makes all this pain seem less. Because now you’ll stay the same, and you will always be the one I loved. And even though this heartbreak hurts so much now I know with time my heart will be whole again and this scar will heal but if I had hold on to you still I would have ended up hurting us both and we would have ended up loving each other less. And I guess in that way it was better, to let go.


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©The Rendezvous Club 2020

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Memory Bubble


As I close my eyes today under the ceiling fan working it’s way through the hot of January Kerala heat. I am preparing to dissolve myself into you. My body is a sweater that you have knitted around your heart and I fits you perfectly, even our hands fits perfectly like the dark and the moon. But there is a thread that’s sticking out, like a broken bone it’s so visible around the pale blue bruise and the blackish dried blood, I hope nobody pulls on that tread. I don’t want to be without you. I can’t stop feeling the warmth of your embrace leaving my heart for too long and the very thought of it is like the melancholy rain falling on my yellow umbrella with a hole in it. But I know you’ll leave. You have to leave. We knew this the day that we met that we’ll both leave and this sweater that we’ve knitted around each other will not be needed when summer arrives. But still I think I love you too much not to leave you now. And that’s why I’ve decided not to let this broken bone melt into it’s former shape or to let this bruised skin heal into what it was before. And that’s why I am letting this hurt that I am in right now to be the pain that reminds me of every memory that we had. Because in this way I’ll always be running into you every time a memory pops up.


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©The Rendezvous Club 2020

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Faraway


I cannot touch you
Neither can I suture those wounds
You showed me a picture of two days ago
Because one, I’m not a nurse or a doctor
And two, you’re so far away

I can’t touch you.
And I know that the second reason
Will always hurt me the most
Because if I was close
I would have at least called a doctor for you,
Or rushed you to a hospital
Or at least kissed your wound and
Told you it will all be fine
But you’re far away
And I only see pictures of you in wounds
And they never bleeds out of the photographs
Because they’re still
But still, they kill me
Because I cannot touch you.


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©The Rendezvous Club 2020

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Fools in love


Madhav, I’m so sorry that I fell in love with you, despite all your warnings. But I gotta say we both knew this was inevitable. I always knew that this was gonna happen and I let it happen because when something as rare as love comes knocking on the door of your heart one day, who will say no? Therefore even I couldn’t say no and I let it come in knowing that it will be the end of a friendship I long cherished.

You were so different than anyone I had ever met. I don’t think I know any other writer who hates rain. I don’t know no other person who loves sun more than the moon and I know no other person who when holding my hands makes my breath stop…. Maybe that’s why I loved you because you were different than any other person I knew and I wanted you all to myself.

Some people say that when in love it’s only the little things that matter and I was so in love that I only looked at the little things and I forgot to see the big picture. I was stuck at the little things, the little moments, the countless minutes of cute romantic gestures. . . . . I loved how you always sipped the last of my chai every time we were together. I have no idea why you used to do that because you said hated chai more than how I hated paneer. And I loved it that you bought me Gems every time you came to meet me and how you gathered all the purple gems to make a small heart out of them and how each time you asked me to put an arrow through that heart. It made me think that maybe you also felt the same for me in indefinite moments.

Maybe you did love me in our little things. But the big picture had something else to say. But I, I loved you infinitely. I loved you knowing that you will never be mine and that you can’t be mine. That makes me a little foolish, doesn’t it? But I can’t really blame myself for this, because aren’t we all fools in love?


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PS:- The story is fictional

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© The Rendezvous Club 2020

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