What your name does to me.


Being in love with someone who’s not in love with you is punishment. My Ammi said this to me years ago and I instantly knew she was talking about herself and Abbu, but I just didn’t know who was the person who was in love until one day Abbu packed his bags and left. That day Ammi started packing a bag underneath her eyes and she had those with her until the day she died. After seeing what love can do to people I swore to God that I’ll never fall in love and that was broken the day I met you.

I remember that someone once told me, you transform in love. When in love you are the whole world and the world is you and sometimes it only takes a name, your lovers name to change your body into oceans, riverbeds and landslides and now I know that true because….

Every time I hear your name being called out it’s like the tectonic plates inside my body just shifted whilst there’s a tsunami forming above my navel and it’s snowing down the artic of my belly button while a gasping tornado just struck the Mexican walls of my rib cages as the African caves inside my throat is gasping for breath. And even though this is punishment I don’t mind being the world because love makes me universal and I’m so in love with you, I’m so in love that I now know how Ammi might have felt when she packed all those bags underneath her eyes just to be in love.


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© The Rendezvous Club 2020
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Love is eternally toxic


The last time you left me you said that love is eternally toxic. And you closed the door behind me as I was struggling not to cry. You came back three days later you didn’t say a thing, you didn’t apologise either we hugged on the fifth day.

The time before that you said it isn’t love if I can leave you and be okay with it. And you closed the door behind me while I was on the floor crying. And you came home 48 and a half hours later holding a rose in your hand and a cut in your left hand, you broke a mirror you said as I tended to the wound.

The time before that you said you can’t be in love with me because you’ve never been in love before and it can’t be love if it hurts this much and you closed the door behind me as I was shouting at you. You came back the next morning with a letter in your hand that said you loved me a hundred times and it hurts more to leave me than how much it hurts to stay.

This time before you left you said that, I love you so much that I have to leave you because I can’t stay because…. I can’t stay and I held the door for you and I closed it behind your back.


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©The Rendezvous Club 2019

All Rights Reserved!

Y


You make me want to give up writing. Because I started all this for you and now that you’re gone I don’t see the purpose behind it. I look back into the moon, it’s waining and so am I. I don’t love you anymore and you stopped loving me way before I did. Maybe that’s why I stopped, because you didn’t love me anymore and no matter how much I try to convince my heart that you still loved me, it somehow found out that you weren’t and it chose to move on. People always talk about how hard it is for our heart to move on but they are wrong. Heart moves on when it knows that it isn’t loved anymore it is the brain that is stuck to the person it knows really well. It is stuck to those memories, those electric touches that happens when their fingers touches ours. It’s our brain that keeps reminding us of all the old conversations, how they smelled, how they used to chew their food, how those lips moved as it smiled, just about anything and everything, the things which we didn’t even knew we noticed, it all comes back to us. The heart is not to blame for this, it is we, it is all us, our brains. We were just so used to them that our brain wants them back to feel normal again. You know what’s the difference between yours and ours ? It’s the ‘Y’ . And I don’t even know why this ‘Y’ makes our life fall apart.


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© The Rendezvous Club 2019

All Rights Reserved!

Drunk and dial


My best friend called me yesterday
to tell me he is happy now
and he also added that he’s drunk
he then told me about his new magical power
to fold bottles into memories of his past life
and how when he drinks from them
he can see the sky falling
and he then told me how much he danced
because of this
and he said now when he looks up
he can see stars again
and they looked like me
and that’s why he is calling me.
He then told me how much he loved me,
he never said this to me before and
he said he loved me like his mother,
very innocent but that
he will not be his father,
broken and bruised and tired of living
and he will never behave to me like
how his father did with him
he would never crumble me
inside his origami palms
like petals of a fragile flower
and use it’s color to paint rage.
He then said that he misses me
and now when he look down
he can see the earth move under his feet
and how he see the dirt forming
a mountain in front of him
but he feels like he can conquer this mountain
because it’s all his
and because he have this love inside him
which keeps on whispering in his ears
that he can do it.
And then he broke down into a stream of sobs
until I whispered I love you back to him


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©The Rendezvous Club 2019

All Rights Reserved!

I sort of published a book

Hey guys,

I have been a little busy with some things lately but now I’m here to let you know that I’ve self published a book. It was really exciting at first but now I’m all like what did I do and what’s going to happen, was it just so stupid of me to do this at this time and all 😅. Anyways I self published a book it’s called 21 at 21st. Currently it’s available on Notion press and soon it will be available on Amazon too. So for those of you who want to check the book out here is the link https://notionpress.com/read/21-at-21st

So I thank everyone for you support and help. I would have never wrote anything or published a book if it wasn’t for all you guys so thank you my lovelies.

Ps:- The book is only available in India

Dear sixteen

I could say a thousand things to my sixteen year old self
And they’ll never be enough
But these are the most important of them all
The most important seven things
Which would have changed it all like weather
I could have rained or I could have been a perfectly sunny day
But I became a tornado, no a tsunami and washed all the islands of my life away.
Dear sixteen read this now even though you’re 22
You survived it all even though it was worse.

1. Don’t give him your number when he asks you. And don’t let him come near you, his intentions aren’t right. Don’t let him fool you with the word love, to him you’re just a flower for him to crush inside the lines of his palms.

2. Your father maybe away, your father may not love you, your father may love you in excess, your father may be away but you still are whole and you don’t need no other boy to complete you. You’re a hero, a heroine, a wonder and you’re perfect just the way you are.

3. You don’t have to kiss him if you don’t want to. Just shake him off of you and scream into his ears until they bleed.

4. You are allowed to say no, and dear the world maynot be a good place but you’ll eventually get into a better place than you’re in right now.

5. Your first love will not love you back, so love him truly like you mean it and like you don’t care if you get it back or not. Your love is yours, it comes from within you and you shouldn’t care about nothing else.

6. Birthdays will get boring soon and you’ll end up loving coffee more than dancing. Love the things you love while it last because soon things will change.

7. What defines you is you. You don’t need nobody, anybody or anything else to do it for you. You are you, you are the perfect you, you are the only you. So be you and make yourself proud.

You’re 16, you’re 22, all that you should care about in this world is you.


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©The Rendezvous Club 2019

All Rights Reserved!