Love Is crazy


You always tell me not to fall in love with you and then you places your finger on my lips as if you know that I’m going to confess to you then and there that I’ve been in love with you ever since we met and now there is no point in you advising me not to fall in love with you as I am already in love with you, I always was in love with you and there is no need to ask me not to fall now as I’ve already reached the bottom of the pit called love.

Love is what the eyes can’t see yet the heart can feel. I can feel you in every one of my breath as if my love for you is an organ inside my body trying to keep me alive, trying to salvage what’s left of my sanity, keeping me upright and from tripping over.

I often wonder how is it that love acts both as the disease and the panacea for the affected. How it makes people crazy and how it brings back people to their senses all at once. How can something have two opposite effects on someone’s heart at the same time. I guess I’ll never know.

I know it is your right to ask me not to fall in love just as much as it is my right to fall in love with you without your permission. And I does what my heart says without listening to my head saying that this is the road towards pain and you may not be rewarded with love in the end. And I still walk down that lane hoping that something might change and I’ll be loved the same way as I am loving you. I guess that’s what love makes of you. It stretches you apart as much as you can stretch to know how durable you are then it lets you go so that you come bangging back to your own pieces and hurt everywhere just to know how much you can endure pain. Love is the craziest thing in the world. It makes you do stuff which you’ve never even imagined you’d do and it is also the most perfect thing in the world. It perfects your soul.


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© The Rendezvous Club 2020

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Memory Bubble


As I close my eyes today under the ceiling fan working it’s way through the hot of January Kerala heat. I am preparing to dissolve myself into you. My body is a sweater that you have knitted around your heart and I fits you perfectly, even our hands fits perfectly like the dark and the moon. But there is a thread that’s sticking out, like a broken bone it’s so visible around the pale blue bruise and the blackish dried blood, I hope nobody pulls on that tread. I don’t want to be without you. I can’t stop feeling the warmth of your embrace leaving my heart for too long and the very thought of it is like the melancholy rain falling on my yellow umbrella with a hole in it. But I know you’ll leave. You have to leave. We knew this the day that we met that we’ll both leave and this sweater that we’ve knitted around each other will not be needed when summer arrives. But still I think I love you too much not to leave you now. And that’s why I’ve decided not to let this broken bone melt into it’s former shape or to let this bruised skin heal into what it was before. And that’s why I am letting this hurt that I am in right now to be the pain that reminds me of every memory that we had. Because in this way I’ll always be running into you every time a memory pops up.


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©The Rendezvous Club 2020

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Faraway


I cannot touch you
Neither can I suture those wounds
You showed me a picture of two days ago
Because one, I’m not a nurse or a doctor
And two, you’re so far away

I can’t touch you.
And I know that the second reason
Will always hurt me the most
Because if I was close
I would have at least called a doctor for you,
Or rushed you to a hospital
Or at least kissed your wound and
Told you it will all be fine
But you’re far away
And I only see pictures of you in wounds
And they never bleeds out of the photographs
Because they’re still
But still, they kill me
Because I cannot touch you.


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©The Rendezvous Club 2020

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Fools in love


Madhav, I’m so sorry that I fell in love with you, despite all your warnings. But I gotta say we both knew this was inevitable. I always knew that this was gonna happen and I let it happen because when something as rare as love comes knocking on the door of your heart one day, who will say no? Therefore even I couldn’t say no and I let it come in knowing that it will be the end of a friendship I long cherished.

You were so different than anyone I had ever met. I don’t think I know any other writer who hates rain. I don’t know no other person who loves sun more than the moon and I know no other person who when holding my hands makes my breath stop…. Maybe that’s why I loved you because you were different than any other person I knew and I wanted you all to myself.

Some people say that when in love it’s only the little things that matter and I was so in love that I only looked at the little things and I forgot to see the big picture. I was stuck at the little things, the little moments, the countless minutes of cute romantic gestures. . . . . I loved how you always sipped the last of my chai every time we were together. I have no idea why you used to do that because you said hated chai more than how I hated paneer. And I loved it that you bought me Gems every time you came to meet me and how you gathered all the purple gems to make a small heart out of them and how each time you asked me to put an arrow through that heart. It made me think that maybe you also felt the same for me in indefinite moments.

Maybe you did love me in our little things. But the big picture had something else to say. But I, I loved you infinitely. I loved you knowing that you will never be mine and that you can’t be mine. That makes me a little foolish, doesn’t it? But I can’t really blame myself for this, because aren’t we all fools in love?


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PS:- The story is fictional

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© The Rendezvous Club 2020

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Love is eternally toxic


The last time you left me you said that love is eternally toxic. And you closed the door behind me as I was struggling not to cry. You came back three days later you didn’t say a thing, you didn’t apologise either we hugged on the fifth day.

The time before that you said it isn’t love if I can leave you and be okay with it. And you closed the door behind me while I was on the floor crying. And you came home 48 and a half hours later holding a rose in your hand and a cut in your left hand, you broke a mirror you said as I tended to the wound.

The time before that you said you can’t be in love with me because you’ve never been in love before and it can’t be love if it hurts this much and you closed the door behind me as I was shouting at you. You came back the next morning with a letter in your hand that said you loved me a hundred times and it hurts more to leave me than how much it hurts to stay.

This time before you left you said that, I love you so much that I have to leave you because I can’t stay because…. I can’t stay and I held the door for you and I closed it behind your back.


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©The Rendezvous Club 2019

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Reason to live

it’s not everyday that
your mother tells you that
she is alive just for you
just for you
not even for your sister
just for you
so in a way
that also means that
you saved a life didn’t you?
and it also means that
you’re the reason someone
didn’t take their life.
now you’re listening to her
you have a cup of coffee in your hand
it’s black, it’s hot
it’s burning the edges of your cuticle
you’re staring right into it
and all that’s running through your mind is that
weather you should dip your finger
inside the coffee or not
you know it’s hot
i know it’s hot.
it definitely is hot
but that compulsion is there
to dip your finger in the coffee
and burn it
because why not, right?
i’ve done this before
i’ve purposely hurted me
just so that I feel okay
Okay!
it’s raining outside
and your mother is crying
but you’re ignoring it
because if she has depression
you have it too.
you know that very well
you share everything
and the last time she banged her head
in the wall
You did it too
and the last time she held a knife to her wrist
and suddenly tried to hide it in front of you
two days before this
you held a knife to your chest too
but you didn’t break in it
just because you thought about her
just the way she thought about you
that you are just living for her
and she is the reason why you’re alive
just like how you’re the reason for her.


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© The Rendezvous Club 2019

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Y


You make me want to give up writing. Because I started all this for you and now that you’re gone I don’t see the purpose behind it. I look back into the moon, it’s waining and so am I. I don’t love you anymore and you stopped loving me way before I did. Maybe that’s why I stopped, because you didn’t love me anymore and no matter how much I try to convince my heart that you still loved me, it somehow found out that you weren’t and it chose to move on. People always talk about how hard it is for our heart to move on but they are wrong. Heart moves on when it knows that it isn’t loved anymore it is the brain that is stuck to the person it knows really well. It is stuck to those memories, those electric touches that happens when their fingers touches ours. It’s our brain that keeps reminding us of all the old conversations, how they smelled, how they used to chew their food, how those lips moved as it smiled, just about anything and everything, the things which we didn’t even knew we noticed, it all comes back to us. The heart is not to blame for this, it is we, it is all us, our brains. We were just so used to them that our brain wants them back to feel normal again. You know what’s the difference between yours and ours ? It’s the ‘Y’ . And I don’t even know why this ‘Y’ makes our life fall apart.


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© The Rendezvous Club 2019

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Drunk and dial


My best friend called me yesterday
to tell me he is happy now
and he also added that he’s drunk
he then told me about his new magical power
to fold bottles into memories of his past life
and how when he drinks from them
he can see the sky falling
and he then told me how much he danced
because of this
and he said now when he looks up
he can see stars again
and they looked like me
and that’s why he is calling me.
He then told me how much he loved me,
he never said this to me before and
he said he loved me like his mother,
very innocent but that
he will not be his father,
broken and bruised and tired of living
and he will never behave to me like
how his father did with him
he would never crumble me
inside his origami palms
like petals of a fragile flower
and use it’s color to paint rage.
He then said that he misses me
and now when he look down
he can see the earth move under his feet
and how he see the dirt forming
a mountain in front of him
but he feels like he can conquer this mountain
because it’s all his
and because he have this love inside him
which keeps on whispering in his ears
that he can do it.
And then he broke down into a stream of sobs
until I whispered I love you back to him


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©The Rendezvous Club 2019

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