I am always you


I hope you never have to go through what I’m going through right now.. I miss you so much, yet I can’t tell you.. I love you so much yet your face turns blue every time I say it. It’s tormenting me to keep quiet, and not say, I love you, I love you, I love you to your face a million times. But I rather not see your face blue with fear of being loved. Sometimes being loved can be scary too I guess. But I haven’t known that fear yet. I have never been loved. When I started loving you I actually expected that you’ll be the one who’ll love me back, love me back, love me back, back me up, turn me to love, gift me flowers, blow me kisses, text me I miss you, walk by my side, drown each other’s sorrow in the rain. I think I’m too imaginative. I shouldn’t have thought about all this now. I’m going now, I’m going back, loving is so kind, but unloving so tormenting and it’s not impossible but rather it just is implausible. It’s just unlikely to happen.


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© The Rendezvous Club 2019

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Can you love someone deeply yet not enough?


I got a text from him last Friday saying that he’s going out for a while. He does this a lot and I’m fine with it. People do need their space but I just can’t believe that I accept it now. That people need space. I never thought that you needed breaks from people you love. Maybe I still don’t believe that.

When we met yesterday after his break, he looked the same, he loved the same and he smiled at me while he took his first sip of coffee and said it needed more sugar just like always. But. . . .

Can you love someone and not love them just enough? Unfortunately I think it’s possible. That’s what we were. He loved me but just not enough to hold me close. We just had a brief conversation and I was silent mostly. And when he thought something might be off he asked me what is going on with me? I chose not to reply and I just asked him something

Did you miss me while you were away? Did you miss me at all? He didn’t say anything for a while and just continued to stare into my face, motionless. He loves his space, his solitude, he loves him more. And I can’t do that, I can’t be the person who loves someone more than myself and be with a person who loves themselves more than me. Because it just feels so unfair.

Can someone love you but not love you enough?
Yes. . . . .! And yes . . . . . . It’s painful!


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©The Rendezvous Club 2019!

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We broke it/us


What would you do if something is so right? I once asked him. He replied; we make it wrong.

That’s exactly what happened with us. We were so textbook right that, we made us wrong.

1) Keeping count of time.

We used to talk always, we used to talk a lot and when we started talking less, that time difference played an important role in keeping us apart. We were so scared that we were drifting away just because we talked less. We were actually more scared that we sort of started thinking it as a timetable that we forgot to follow. Our first mistake was that we convinced ourselves that time was ripping us off but it was our thoughts that was doing so. We gave importance to something which didn’t matter. Time never mattered feelings did .Don’t mess that up.

2) We shared ourselves too much.

We were so open with each other that we always felt like we were always with each other. But then we shared everything that things slowly started to be a ritual. More like calendar work. And finally like a recluse we forgot which day it was and what week. Stay together but not within each other, just together. I know that now.

3) I take you back, every time you come back.

You leave for your own good, I make peace with it, I sob, I lament, I cry, I break myself into pieces and I lay there on the floor trying to pick myself up. Convincing myself this is life and no fairytale, then you come back and I take you in because my heart still is convinced it’s a fairy tale.

4) You collect my broken pieces.

You leave, you come back, you leave, you come back and when I let you in, I never notices that you came back to get a part from my broken pieces and then walk away again. Then come back again when you miss me collect another part and leave. But what I should have known was, if I let you continue this, I wouldn’t be able to stand up on myself with all those missing pieces of myself.

5) We broke each other.

We were so right for each other that we couldn’t stand it and ended up ruining ourselves and our mind. Are you over me yet?


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© The Rendezvous Club 2019

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I glow


It blooms like a cut
In all its transient purple rigidity
And I lift my right foot
To see that my soul is hiding there
Away from the dark sores underneath my heart
Which takes up the place for my soul to reside.
My heart in my body
Like dandelion on fire
My eyes in it’s socket
Like sailor lost at sea.
I am disoriented
Like a bulb without tungsten
And yet I glow, glow in my face
Burning the left over oxygen
Consuming the last of my living breath.
My skin a sun kissed parchment
My body a used carboard box
I am a miracle in all its paper glory
My tangent cut square face
And a papier mache smile.
All a miracle in royal blue ink
And in all its paper glory.
I glow, glow in my face
Disoriented and with all it’s purple rigidity.


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© The Rendezvous Club 2019

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Scars


I sometimes feel your fingernails digging deep into my scars, as if to claw out the darkness inside and to find it’s roots, then root it out and plant orange zinnias there with kisses. Sometimes it’s just a soft touch at the nape of my neck, where I’ve hidden the last of my innocence. So very innocent like a child with only two teeth. I hope you never find that child.

You have always known that my heart is a sparrow trapped in an abandoned tower, who knows the tower way too much, who has studied each and every one of the paintings in it’s wall and is not afraid to spread it’s wings and touch, each one of the cracks in those whispering walls and who is painfully waiting for the walls to fall down so that it can escape the tower, which even the dragons has abandoned. But if the tower falls down the sparrow dies. That’s the end.

The only place in my body without scars, is my heart. That is because scars are wounds that are healed and the wounds in my heart still stays afresh, hence there are no scars. And that’s why I never let anyone touch it, not even love. You can claw at my scars as much as you want but not my wounds, because it hurts and I am still alive, therefore I’m afraid you can still hurt me and I’m afraid I might let you. Because love does that to me you see! You don’t believe me, then look at my heart.


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©The Rendezvous Club 2019

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Deatheater


My body is a death finder
It finds death in the stains on
The paint cakes in the walls
Eaten by termites.
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Death is the predominant essence
In the garden rosemary
Which flavours the murdered
Chicken’s stock, which I cooked in the pot.

A tree planted by me
Bears flowers only after midnight
The flowers dies at the soft touch of strangers hands
While they begets cuts on their palm lines.

And I eat only rotten apples
Which falls to kill the worms inside
Reminiscent of sin, paradise lost and
The vulnerabilities of each human flesh.

I am the deatheater.
Death doesn’t eat me, I eat death.
I tear them off from paper towers.
And chew on them, until a dark room
Get stuck to my throat.
And I give birth to them again
On paper notes
And then kill them again
With ink.
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© The Rendezvous Club 2019

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Death songs for lullabies


Yesterday Mamma said
That she wants to die.
Mamma is more courageous than me
She speaks her mind
While I’m a coward,
Who writes death notes over paper
Fold it in half and swallows it.
There’s a book in my stomach
Which has death written all over it.
And when it opens I loses my appetite.

Mamma pushed my sister
Off of her and went into the room
And closed the door and I let her go.
My sister says, if she dies, it’s on me.
I know nothing will happen
Suicide is a sin, she had taught me that
And she always says
She can’t live in two hells
Earth being the first.

I wandered around my house
Examining each room carefully
Knowing not fully well
What I’m looking for.
At night I sleep next to Mamma
She says ‘Death’ far too many times
In her sleep.
I pressed her against my heart
Hoping to ease some of her pain.
Then I lay awake listening to her Death chants.
I’ve always heard
Death songs for lullabies and
I’ve seen more mournings of people who are still alive than mornings where the sun is bright.
I don’t know why pain seems to follow
Even though everyone else leaves.


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©The Rendezvous Club 2019

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What good will love bring?


I think I love you

But I would not tell you.

You have places to go

And I have eyes to meet.

Our desire part ways

In the crossroads.

Our love unties

As future stare at us.

What good will love bring?

When I need you,

Yet not want you.

When I love you,

Yet need to part you.


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©10/04/19 The Rendezvous Club

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